The Givers

One of the hallmarks of healthy relationships is reciprocity. During difficult times we lean on those we love to help get through it. And, in return, we are expected to do the same once the situations shift. We all know that when it rains it pours and it seems that when something is going wrong in someone’s life their problems seem to compound and pile up. As a result, it can begin to feel a bit like The Giver as we continue to take on people’s problems in an attempt to remedy them. We begin to feel the angst and anxiety and take that on as the act of care and to show our empathy. But, ironically, then you start to feel overwhelmed and you have to turn to someone else to unload on. Is this chain of “giving” healthy? And, if not, how do we seek solace and comfort in our pain without inflicting our problems onto others and perpetuating this cycle?

This becomes even more difficult, when the problems that our loved ones have aren’t simple ones to solve. They are the long-term problems that a weekend of self-care or fun outing won’t solve. Does that mean we stop asking them how they are and stop offering solutions or does that signify that we, too, are giving up on them when they need us most?

I often try to solve these problems by acting in a manner with which I myself would want to be helped. However, solutions are not a one-size-fits-all and sometimes going too into it with them can actually make matters worse. They’re frustrated that you are trying to solve something when they want to just ruminate or act in ways that our friends don’t find helpful.

When I was in college I was stuck on this guy who wouldn’t commit to me. I know, a tale as old as time. I would do embarrassing things out of my fear of rejection and perpetuated a cycle of this for a few months. Maybe people tried and I didn’t see the signs, but I wish someone had given me the harsh truth and pulled me out so I didn’t waste any more of my time. A similar situation happened years later with one of my friends. I could tell she was getting deeper into something with someone who didn’t care enough. I tried to tell her that to snap her out of it, but things went awry.

That situation sucked, but it reinforced the idea that sometimes you just have to be the giver. Take on your friends’ problems and deal. They’ll do it for you when the time comes around and maybe that’s what keeps the cycle healthy.